trials of many kinds...

In May, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

The benefit of hindsight tells me that I have been dealing with symptoms for as many as three years or more...not understanding that seemingly unrelated annoyances, like hip pain or anxiety, were all pointing in the same direction. In January, Troy and I decided it was time to figure out what was going on...my symptoms were increasing in severity and I kept telling Troy I think there is something wrong with me. Those four months were spent in doctor's offices, sometimes having as many as four appointments in a week. They were also spent in uncertainty. It was a beautiful opportunity to exercise my faith...to consider a new kind of trial joy.

Did you know that nearly ten million Americans have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia? Chances are I am not the only one you know suffering from what is described in Medical News Today as a severely debilitating affliction characterized by widespread deep tissue pain, tenderness in the hands and feet, fatigue, sleep disorders and cognitive decline.

It has been an interesting challenge to learn how to live with an illness that affects nearly every part of my life and even more challenging to explain it.

I get tired now doing the smallest of tasks. Sometimes getting ready for my day so exhausts me that I need a nap. Earlier this week, talking on the phone for no more than 5 minutes drained all the energy from my body. I get frustrated at times when standing and singing in worship require more energy than I have.

Pain is a constant companion. I seem to rotate through seasons with which body part will hurt. Currently, my arms and hands seem to be most affected.

Most troubling is the cognitive difficulties that I experience. Anxiety was one of my earliest symptoms increasing in severity as time went on. I often have problems thinking clearly especially the earlier in the morning or later in the evening it becomes. I sometimes get words jumbled or misspeak...even stutter. Conversations are difficult because I can forget what we are discussing in the middle of a sentence...or not be able to follow the flow a conversation takes. Unfortunately, this makes me even more introverted than I already am...which is is almost hard to imagine.

God has chosen to make Himself completely known on my journey thus far, and I am so grateful.

God, in His sweet sovereignty, moved me into the perfect job at just the right moment. It is part time...which is certainly all I could handle. My coworkers are absolutely wonderful. My tasks are challenging and fun. My job is such a joy.

Jesus prepared Troy's heart. My husband has filled every gap that my limitations create in our home with a servant's heart and loving attitude. He is so supportive and kind. His tenderness is clearly God given and his willingness to serve me in my illness blesses me daily.

God is teaching my children about His purposes and plans for our lives and how they aren't always what we might choose, but they are always good.

Jesus is showing me His faithfulness and teaching me how precious and necessary it is to depend on Him. There have been nights when I have driven to Bible study in tears because I cannot rub two coherent thoughts together begging Him to lead through me. He always does. He shows me that His grace really is sufficient and He has provided every bit of mercy I will need...His thoughts are better than mine any day.

Jesus meets me in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep but know my body needs to rest. We spend precious moments together discussing the day to come, loved ones and how good He is to me. There are some nights when sleep robs me of this intimate time, but I praise Him for that much needed relief as well.

God brought a crazy dog into our family to provide distraction and companionship. Lily doesn't care if I stutter or forget what I was saying as long as I rub her belly!

God chose an exciting time in medical research about fibromyalgia for me to be diagnosed. Just last month, researchers were finally able to determine the biological cause of the disease which will lead to medicines that actually treat fibromyalgia and not just the symptoms. Hopefully, this research is also the beginning of finding a cure!

Jesus is teaching me to rest and focusing His call to ministry for me. He is making it clear where He wants me to serve and providing for any gaps. In rest, He is teaching me to seek Him. Our time together has been more rich and abundant than I can ever remember.

I thank Him for the good days and praise Him on the bad days. I am asking Him to give me wisdom in how I spend the energy and feel good that I have each day. I have learned that there is a balancing act I must participate in to have more good days. On those days when I feel energized and like I can take on the world, I must restrain my enthusiasm and pace myself, resting often or I will have more bad days. On those days when I feel weighed down and getting out of bed is a struggle, I must push myself and maintain some activity level or I will have more bad days. I have learned to seize the moment, laugh at myself, live with less and seek Him first.

Debilitating illness.

That is not how I saw the rest of my life...but in the last two months, God has been showing up and showing off big and I can take a lifetime of that.