We've gone on a short road trip. I'm not happy with....my hair, my outfit, my bra (hello honesty), my shoes, what I have packed to wear and I left my tennis shoes in my car. We're going to be schlepping all over the place and I have no tennis shoes to wear. What was I thinking? Throughout the short weekend, I keep talking to my myself...Here's the gist of what I'm saying:
You're inadequate. Whatever you're wearing and brought to wear isn't "cute". How will you do your hair without styling products? Why didn't you bring those? Did he just look at another woman? Are you sure you're losing weight? You look heavy in those mirrors. Should you be eating that? Why can't he just tell me what I need to hear?
On and on I go. I've now worked myself into such a tithy and I want someone to make it better. So, naturally I go to James. (This is going to work out well.)
Do you still find me attractive? Do you think I'm pretty? Can you ever answer any of these questions adequately enough to take away all of my insecurities and doubt? I need you to fill me up.
The next day at Sunday school I'm sharing all of this with my class and I talk about how he just couldn't seem to tell me what I needed to hear and would it be too much for him to affirm me?
We've been working through Beth Moore's Measureless Love. Beth (she's my BFF so I can call her Beth) talks about who we're measuring up to, who we're measuring God up to and who we're measuring up for. That person we're measuring up for (Hi James) will never be able to fill us up and keep us full like Jesus will. If I'm not Jesus full, then I'll be desperately trying to get everyone else to fill me up. (ouch) If God is showing you something about yourself (sometimes it's over and over and over), then He's wanting you to kiss it goodbye! Goodbye insecurities and fear and self doubt and condemnation!
When we had a few minutes alone, I apologized to James for putting him in a position he was never going to be able to fill. (Of course, he had no idea how upset I had been!) Only God can fill me up. Only He can be the One who can give me total and unconditional love. I never have to wonder how He feels about me.
Will today be the day that I finally allow God to fill my cup with all the fullness of God? Will today be the day that I grasp that if God doesn't condemn me, then who am I to condemn myself?
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1
and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Eph. 3:19
Praise You Father for not condemning me. Thank you for allowing me to come to You when I start doubting myself. You will fill me up Your fullness and all I have to do is ask. I empty myself of my sinful nature and ways, pride, idolatry, condemnation, of the need to please everyone for my own sake, for looking for constant affirmation from others who can't possibly give me what I need way down in the marrow of my soul. I thank you for allowing me to say this prayer to you throughout the day or whenever I feel condemnation rising up. Fill my cup, Lord. I want to be full of You and not me. ~ Amen
I am so excited to get this going with my girls!!
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