Beloved

So, I am having a really difficult month. Basically, wondering what God is up to...why hasn't He shown Himself mighty in my situation yet...

I am desperately trying to KNOW HIM in this time. Today, while doing some homework in Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore, I read this.

THE HEART OF THE BELOVED

John remained nearby Jesus, whether his leader was on the mount of transfiguration or in the depths of Gethsemane's suffering...

We cannot claim to know anyone intimately whom we've not known in the intensity of both agony and elation. Anyone with eyes willing to truly behold Jesus will at times be confused and shocked by what she sees. You see, if we're willing to be taken to the extreme of His glory where we gain intimate knowledge, we will undoubtedly see Him in situations that we cannot explain and that sometimes disturb. Then comes the question: Will we walk away from Jesus when our human understanding sees Him look weak and defeated? Do you know what I mean by that question?
What will we do when we can't explain what Jesus is doing? Will we remain nearby when He doesn't stop a tragedy? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Think, Beloved, about what I am saying. Will we cling when our human reasoning implies that evil has defeated Him? Or that evil seems to be found in Him? Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run?
That's what will make us different.

Beloved Disciple is about the apostle John. She is teaching about what he saw at the crucifiction. He went with Jesus through as much of the difficult night leading up to His death as possible. He went further than any other disciple and was probably younger than all of them. We can read the account of the crucifiction with a bit of distance...really, with a lot of distance. We love and know Jesus, but we didn't "know" him. We can picture the horror that happened to Jesus, but we didn't watch it. But we do know the whoosh of pain that weighs us down in sudden tragedy. Can you imagine...your best friend, mentor, leader being betrayed by another friend, arrested by a mob, tried, convicted, beaten beyond recognition, and brutally killed in the span of a mere day? Me either. But I know what means for Jesus to ask me to follow Him through pain...fear...despair...sorrow. I know what its like to think "WHAT is going on here? Where are You?" Beth says that John, like Caleb in the Old Testament, had a "different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly" (Num. 14:24). Both John and Caleb had a human spirit that made them unique. They had a spirit to follow Jesus anywhere.

The struggle for me is wanting a spirit like that...intellectually, I know it is what I want. But if I ask for a spirit willing to follow in pain does that mean Jesus will take me on the path straight to it? Truth is pain/fear/despair/sorrow will come. Life just happens...sometimes we make life painful with our sin...sometimes we are not at fault. If trials will come...and they will (James 1:2 and many more promise that) the only way to survive much less consider them joy...is to follow Jesus wholeheartedly. I want to know Him intimately. Goodness, I love my Savior...even now. Especially now.