something I'm never going to be...

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the expectations of other people...it is hard to be who you are if people want or expect you to be someone different.

God fashioned me with very much the same pattern as my dad which I find beautiful and unique because I love my dad. I hope that I continue to grow in wisdom, integrity...and quietness like my dad. The quietness is the part that throws people off. It is not what people want from me.

I don't know if it is because I am a woman or pastor's wife, but people expect an outgoing chatterbox. That is really hard for me because it will never be who I am. I am not the type of person to approach people and strike up a conversation about things I find unimportant. Often this is misinterpreted as being disinterested in people...which is not true. I am far more interested in who people are than what they do or how their day is going. I never mind truly talking with people, but I'm not really interested in chatting. I would rather sit in silence with someone than fill space with words. (I saw this tweet today that sort of sums up how I feel about small talk: Don't waste time on things that don't matter with people that do matter.)

This quietness has never been beneficial in how people form opinions of me. While I understand it, the opinions people form lead to me feeling the need to apologize for the beautiful, unique way that God made me. While it hurts my feelings, the benefit is I have searched the heart of God to really understand and see myself through His Creator eyes. I want to glorify Him not distract others from Him.

There are some things about our personalities that the Lord wants to correct. Parts of ourselves that come with the sinful nature we were born with that do not bring Him glory...like my tendency toward sarcasm. (He and I are struggling through refining the words I do say!) Sanctification is a painful process that I am wholly committed to before the Lord.

Not long ago, with brokenness in my heart and relationships, I began to ask if quietness is one of those things that He wants to change into the likeness of His Son? He answered me in His Word.

Proverbs 10:19 - When there are many words, sin is unavoidable

Proverbs 17:27 - The intelligent person restrains his words 

Ecclesiastes 5:7 - For many dreams bring futility, so do many words. Therefore, fear God.

Ecclesiastes 6:11 - For when there are many words, they increase futility. What is the advantage for  man? 

1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes. Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes.

I believe that He finds quietness wise and valuable. He thinks quietness is beautiful...so I do, too. I will continue to grow in quietness...and continue to be misunderstood. 

People are never all that you see...expectations lead to disappointment. So I am learning to let people be who they are...and seeking to see the beauty and uniqueness that each person was created with....you know, treating people the way I want to be treated.