Beloved

So, I am having a really difficult month. Basically, wondering what God is up to...why hasn't He shown Himself mighty in my situation yet...

I am desperately trying to KNOW HIM in this time. Today, while doing some homework in Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore, I read this.

THE HEART OF THE BELOVED

John remained nearby Jesus, whether his leader was on the mount of transfiguration or in the depths of Gethsemane's suffering...

We cannot claim to know anyone intimately whom we've not known in the intensity of both agony and elation. Anyone with eyes willing to truly behold Jesus will at times be confused and shocked by what she sees. You see, if we're willing to be taken to the extreme of His glory where we gain intimate knowledge, we will undoubtedly see Him in situations that we cannot explain and that sometimes disturb. Then comes the question: Will we walk away from Jesus when our human understanding sees Him look weak and defeated? Do you know what I mean by that question?
What will we do when we can't explain what Jesus is doing? Will we remain nearby when He doesn't stop a tragedy? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Think, Beloved, about what I am saying. Will we cling when our human reasoning implies that evil has defeated Him? Or that evil seems to be found in Him? Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run?
That's what will make us different.

Beloved Disciple is about the apostle John. She is teaching about what he saw at the crucifiction. He went with Jesus through as much of the difficult night leading up to His death as possible. He went further than any other disciple and was probably younger than all of them. We can read the account of the crucifiction with a bit of distance...really, with a lot of distance. We love and know Jesus, but we didn't "know" him. We can picture the horror that happened to Jesus, but we didn't watch it. But we do know the whoosh of pain that weighs us down in sudden tragedy. Can you imagine...your best friend, mentor, leader being betrayed by another friend, arrested by a mob, tried, convicted, beaten beyond recognition, and brutally killed in the span of a mere day? Me either. But I know what means for Jesus to ask me to follow Him through pain...fear...despair...sorrow. I know what its like to think "WHAT is going on here? Where are You?" Beth says that John, like Caleb in the Old Testament, had a "different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly" (Num. 14:24). Both John and Caleb had a human spirit that made them unique. They had a spirit to follow Jesus anywhere.

The struggle for me is wanting a spirit like that...intellectually, I know it is what I want. But if I ask for a spirit willing to follow in pain does that mean Jesus will take me on the path straight to it? Truth is pain/fear/despair/sorrow will come. Life just happens...sometimes we make life painful with our sin...sometimes we are not at fault. If trials will come...and they will (James 1:2 and many more promise that) the only way to survive much less consider them joy...is to follow Jesus wholeheartedly. I want to know Him intimately. Goodness, I love my Savior...even now. Especially now.

You know your too busy when...

We sat down to dinner tonight. Ian gets up to the table and looks at Troy and I. He says "So, which one of you has Bible study tonight?" hhmmmm.... We at least get points for being in Bible study, right?

Ian

Ian: Mom do you remember when I got stung by a bee?

me: I do. It hurt a lot.

Ian: But God healed me.

me: Yes, He did and it doesn't hurt anymore.

Ian: Nope. Do you know why God healed me?

me: Why?

Ian: Because He is my God.

Precious.

Title

So, we are still working on a title that fits both of us and the things we are likely to blog about....suggestions?

What! What!

So the current phrase going around our house is not "dude" or "seriously" or "whatever" or "butt stinkin'" or "are you kidding me" as it has been in the past... but 'someone' has taken up the phrase "What! What!" And the phrase is not a questioning statement... but a from the hood 'What What' as an exclamation.
I do not understand.
Seriously, whatever. I don't get it. I am not even sure when to shout 'What What.' Dude, I don't even know what it means. I think the other phrases we use are butt stinkin' awesome and should not be replaced by these new fangled phrases. I like the old ones. "True that!"

A Great Reminder

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, The LPM Blog, and found this excerpt from the book Devotions for a Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas in the blog called Marriage Vitamins by Amanda Jones.

From "A Soul Filled with God" on p. 9:

Personal worship is an absolute necessity for a strong marriage. It comes down to this: If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others. Instead of appreciating and loving and serving others, I become disappointed in them. Instead of cherishing my wife, I become aware of her shortcomings. I take out my frustrations with a less-than-perfect life and somehow blame her for my lack of fulfillment.

But when my heart gets filled by God's love and acceptance, I'm set free to love instead of worrying about being loved. I'm motivated to serve instead of becoming obsessed about whether I'm being served. I'm moved to cherish instead of feeling unappreciated.

I am by no means an expert on marriage (just ask T), but this definitely speaks to what I know about God. He created us for relationships but wants us to choose Him above all else. I know that I have always found it be true that if Troy and I are having problems, one or both of us is having an issue with God. I know that one of my greatest struggles is putting my husband second to God. I adore my husband but, without a doubt, if I seek to find my worth in him, he will do something that disappoints or hurts me. When I seek to find my worth in Christ, I can offer Troy complete support, encouragement and love. hhhmmmm....I guess, just like everything in life, marriage works best when "personal worship" or filling your life with Christ comes first.

Identity Crisis

SO, I am having an identity crisis caused by....wait for it....wait for it...New Kids on the Block. I still like them...or like them again or whatever.

I was a ridiculous fan back in the day. I had enough posters on my wall to be considered wallpaper. All the tapes...yep, tapes. Really, I was RIDICULOUS. My mom will tell you that when we moved from Germany back to the States during my New Kids phase, I would not allow my posters to be shipped for fear of damage or going to long without looking at them or whatever. So, I put them in a duffel bag...probably thousands of them...it was so heavy. I dragged the duffel bag through airports and took it as my one carry-on for a 10 hour flight. My friend's family and my family drove 4 hours to see them in concert in Munich (my brother is cringing at the memory).

So, now that I have put behind me my somewhat embarrassing youthful obsession, they decided to reunite. I am deciding which one is...well, back then, it was cutest (I was a Jon fan)...now, it is hottest (kind of digging Danny...what a body...and the tats, yum) again. I can't get Summertime out of my head. In fact, I really like all the new music. Looking back at old pictures of them, they look goofy...but have you seen pics of them now...goofy is not the word that comes to mind.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?! I am an adult...a grown woman. Women do not like boy bands. **groans**