The True Invisiblity of Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is called an invisible illness because you can't see it on someone. Unless I tell you, there is no way to tell I have fibro. I am learning more and more about this mysterious brain illness with each day. There is so much that a brain that doesn't function properly affects. In fact, the name was officially changed to FMS, fibromyalgia syndrome, because syndrome more clearly describes the broad spectrum of symptoms & diagnosis that accompany fibro than the term disease. I am sure I have much more to learn...a lifetime more to learn.

My most recent discovery is how many things, especially people, have become invisible to me.
I have always been most bothered by the brain fog or fibro fog. I have a few people, my safe people, who I don't mind knowing I have no idea what is going on or acknowledging that I need help thinking with. But in general, it bothers me to forget things...all the time. Easy words escape me. I stutter now. I can't follow conversations well. I think more slowly. Drives me crazy! This fog also causes me to not see or hear things...for a few reasons, I think.

First, sometimes a task takes so much energy that I have to focus hard and push through fatigue and pain to complete it. I don't mean something hard. I can break a sweat walking from my bed to the bathroom some days. Folding laundry feels like running a marathon.
Second, pain is distracting. For me, pain is a constant. I can't remember a day that I have been completely pain free in months. I have hours without pain but not whole days.
Third, I can't remember people's names. I don't mean random people that I met once or twice. I mean people I've known for years. I absolutely hate that.
Fourth, talking takes energy. See my first point for why that complicates things.

Let me put this all together for you in the context that I hate it most. Church. My people. My FAVORITE people.
On a typical Sunday morning, I wake up and start the getting ready process. I almost always mess this up somehow...today I washed my face three times because I kept forgetting I'd already done it. If my make-up looks weird, now you know why. I probably forgot a step or did something multiple times. By the time I am ready, we are usually late and I need a nap. If I have remembered to take my meds, I have an upset stomach. That is how I arrive at church. To get to my Sunday School class, I have to walk from my car up the stairs while carrying stuff. That is a real hike for me...especially if I already need a nap. If we meet on the way, I might not see you. The true invisibility of fibro. My Sunday school class is awesome! It refreshes me spiritually, but doesn't last long enough to give my body a rest. It is also a LOOOOOONG way from the sanctuary. Walking from my class to the sanctuary, I might not see you....if I do, adding trying to remember a name and talk might be more than I am capable of...I hate that. The true invisibility of fibro. The morning continues on...I think you get the picture.

Some things about fibro I have accepted well. This isn't one of them. I need my people. I wonder if you knew I wanted to say hi...or ask about your life. Let me sit down, take a few deep breaths and I will stutter through a conversation with you. Will you be safe for me to really be me with? I promise I will be safe for you.

the storms

I was wondering yesterday at what point can you declare an entire year bad. We are into our last third of 2013 and I am ready to call it. I have had more than enough life this year.

As I pondered whether I can declare the state of the entire year in September, Jesus tendered my heart with one more display of His presence. He instantly set me straight.

He said you are measuring this all wrong. You don't see what I see. But you could, if you adjust your gaze. So I looked a little more clearly at my life...I looked through eyes of faith and measured my year by the things that matter to Jesus.

Circumstances have been difficult, but spiritual growth, love, ministry, friendships and faith have a richness that they have never had before.

At the gentle nudging of the Spirit, I was reminded that I have spent more time in His Word this year, my knowledge and faith have been stretched and grown, my dependence on and surrender to Him has been easier and more freeing. I saw a marriage taken to new depths and daily displaying the love of Christ. I see children growing more godly each day and a heart of mission and justice with a call to ministry blossoming. I see ministry growing in new ways with partnerships between churches to grow the kingdom. I smile at the great joy of pouring our lives into the next generation in a very intentional way. He pointed out friendships that have reconnected or strengthened as iron sharpens iron and deep calls to deep. He showed me a deeply content heart...a satisfied soul.

Jesus said from where I stand you have had an amazing year.

He lead me in His Word to two random verses in unfamiliar places to assure me that we are walking these difficult circumstances together and to challenge a heart that questions the way.

His way is in whirlwind and storm, and the clouds are the dust of His feet. Nahum 1:3b

Wherever the Spirit would go, they went, without turning as they went. Ezekiel 1:12b

I have been reading through the prophets this summer. Nahum reminded me that God walks us into the storm. His way travels through the whirlwinds in our lives. But we have so much hope knowing that the storm clouds of life are under His feet. The are but dust He kicks around. He is sovereign over all the whirlwinds and storms. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He has plans for our welfare...our welfare through the eyes of Jesus has always been a spiritual condition. James 1:2-4 tells us that trials are for our mature faith...so consider them joy. His way - the plans He has to lead us to mature faith - is in whirlwind and storm, but He is sovereign.

Ezekiel is seeing heaven (which honestly sounds a bit scary with all those creatures and all those eyes), anyway, in heaven they follow the Spirit, not turning as they go. If I understand that He is working out mature faith in me and know His heart is for me (Hosea 2:19-20), will I follow the Spirit wherever He goes without turning as I go? He challenges me to follow Him on the way He has for me. Trusting Him.

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43:1-3

How can I not?

another peek into my life with fibromyalgia

 Troy found this for me on a blog called Fibro Relief. It is completely, scary accurate.

I’m not taking credit for this letter, I did not write it, I found it online and sent it to everyone I know to help them understand what I was going through. I wish I knew who did write it, I would love to give them the credit here on my blog! (If anyone knows, please let me know and I’ll be more than happy to post the credit!)

A LETTER FROM FIBROMYALGIA

Dear Miserable Human Being,

Hi, my name is Fibromyalgia, and I’m an invisible chronic illness. I am now ‘velcroed’ to you for life. Others around you can’t see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyway I please. I can cause severe pain, or if I am in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you and gave you Exhaustion. Just try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and in its place gave you Fibro Fog (a.k.a.) Brain Fog. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away too. You didn’t ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: that virus you had that you never quite recovered from, or that car accident, or childbirth, the death of a loved one, or maybe it was those years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I’m here to stay! I hear you’re going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I’m ‘ROFL’ (rolling on the floor laughing)! Just try! You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. In fact, you’ll see many doctors who tell you ‘it’s all in your head’ (or some version of that). If you do find a doctor willing to treat this ‘non-disease’, you will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, and energy pills. You will be told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENS unit, told if you just sleep and exercise properly, I will go away. You’ll be told to think positively, poked, prodded, and most of all, you will not be taken seriously when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is for you every single day!

Your family, friends, and coworkers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I’m a debilitating disease. Some of them will say things like “Oh, you’re just having a bad day”, or “Well, remember, you can’t expect to do the things you used to do 20 years ago,” not hearing that you said “20 DAYS ago”! Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity, trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a ‘normal’ person, and can’t remember what you were going to say next!

In closing, you’ve probably figured out that the ONLY place you will get any real support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People with Fibromyalgia! They are the only ones that will understand your complaints of unrelenting pain, insomnia, fibro fog, the inability to perform the everyday tasks that ‘normal people’ take for granted.

Remember, I’m stuck to you like Velcro – and I expect we’ll be together for the rest of your life.

Have a nice day!! (ROFL),

10 best things about Fibromyalgia

(from Zazzle.com amazing website of super cool products)

1. I save money on magazines. With brain fog, I can’t remember what I just read!
2. I am a cheap date. No alcohol, no dessert and I still feel drunk or hungover.
3. On ‘good day’s I feel wonderful. Other people need a much better day to feel that way.
4. I am easy to find…I’m either at the Dr’s office or at home.
5. I never have to make my bed because I’ll probably be right back in it.
6. I have acquired a great lounging/sleeping wardbrobe. I rarely get dressed as nobody ever sees me.
7. Disequilibrium saves money on amusement parks. I get the same sensations every time I stand up!
8. I feel smarter than my Doctors…all they say is ‘I don’t know’
9. With short-term memory impairment I can hide my own Easter eggs and Christmas presents.

a Jesus girl vs the environment

James tells us in the first verse of the third chapter of his epistle Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. That is pretty serious stuff. What James doesn't mention about teaching others is often you end up learning more than your students. If you take your calling seriously and seek the Lord in your teaching, preparing becomes a time of great discovery...solidifying things you already believe or searching the heart of God on things you have never really thought or cared about before. The latter describes my experience this week.

Currently, I have the great joy of co-leading a group of amazing Jesus girls through The 7 Experiment by Jen Hatmaker. I have loved it. The basic premise of the book is that we live lives of excess that rob us of Jesus...seeing Him, experiencing Him, trusting Him, knowing Him. So, we are practicing a fast of sorts in seven areas of our lives to create margin for God.

I knew going into it the fast with least impact for me would be waste week, which is all about the environment. I would say that I went into the study this week fairly open minded. We are probably an average family with regards to our treatment of the environment. We recycle cans and bottles, use the energy saver cycle on the dishwasher and try to remember to turn off the water while we are brushing our teeth. I think those are good things, but I am certainly not trying to save the earth or anything. In the study, Jen makes "creation care" an issue of stewardship and obedience unto the Lord. I am not buying it. And while I wasn't tracking with Jen's argument, I had never really searched out the issue in Scripture for myself.

Most of my disagreement with Jen's assertion that this is an issue of obedience or stewardship was her
basis that we will run out of the gifts of the earth. I can't argue whether or not we have a consumption problem; we do (that's pretty much the reason we are doing 7...). My problem became the idea that we can do anything that will keep God from being true to His Word. In Matthew 6, Jesus tell us:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

God will provide for our needs. He always will. I can't change that. America's vast over consumption can't change that.  God sent manna from heaven and the rocks burst forth water at His command. I think we are good. He will take care of us. Today has too much trouble of it's own to take on tomorrow's worries. (Side note - notice Who claims responsibility for fully caring for the earth. Jesus pretty much says that is the Father's job.)

Also, we have to remember that saving the earth is contrary to how we know the story ends. My fabulous co-leader, Tammy, showed me this quote from GotQuestions?org yesterday:

There is nothing wrong with Christians being involved in a conscious effort to appreciate and even preserve God’s wonderful creation. But any effort directed at preserving the planet forever runs counter to God's revealed plan. He tells us in 2 Peter 3:10 that at the end of the age, the earth and all He has created will be destroyed with fire. The physical, natural earth in its present form, along with the entire universe, will be consumed, and God will create a "new heaven and a new earth" (2 Peter 3:13;Revelation 21:1)

(remember that last part - I will get back to it in a minute) God has a plan that includes blowing this place up in a way that will make Hollywood green (ha!) with envy. Any efforts on our part to save the earth will wind up all being for naught.

We are told that the earth is a gift from God in Psalm 115:15. This is where we must consider the word or idea of steward. I believe inherent in the word steward is an expectation of return. This belief comes from the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. In Jesus' story, a master hands out talents (coins) to three servants and then goes away on business. When the master returns, he asks about the talents. Two of the servants have doubled what they were given. They are called good and faithful. The third servant buried his money. He preserved it. The master is furious with him. God is our master, and He expects a kingdom return on what He invests in us. I consider a kingdom return an increase in breadth or depth of the kingdom of God, either you have added numbers or you have grown those who are already His. If you choose to spend your efforts preserving what you have been given or chasing after a cause with no kingdom return, I fear a furious Master. I saw a tweet today that said even good things can become bad things when they take the place of the best. I feel like this is where we can get stuck. Reducing, recycling and reusing are good things but without considering how they increase the kingdom, they are not God's best. Now if you can make saving the earth into a ministry, PLEASE DO! Jen gives a great example in 7 (the book, not the workbook) of a group in Austin who use gardening to provide food and money for homeless men and women willing to work in the gardens. Kingdom return.

Let's consider God's words to Adam about the garden, which is where obedience becomes relevant. In Genesis 2:15, we are told that God placed Adam in the garden to work it, which is a good thing. What's interesting is His actual instructions to Adam recorded in Scripture are this:

And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Genesis 1:28 

See that word subdue? It is an interesting Hebrew word that means to tread down, to conquer, subjugate, violate, bring into bondage or force. Actually, you probably have heard the word before. It's kabash (like he put the kabash on that idea). Interesting. Scripture never tells us to take care of the earth the way we might assume. Obviously, the original language here doesn't. I don't even see creation care as consistent with God's character. He pretty much uses nature at will and often in response to the crown of His creation...us. I think of the story of Jonah where God creates a tree to give Jonah shade, but then Jonah is a brat so God kills the tree. Maybe creation care is something we should do, but it is not something we must do.

Having said all of that, I decided I really just needed to listen to Jesus on the subject (unfortunately, I went this route after our Bible study discussion on the matter - lesson learned). I spent some time in prayer during a sleepless night asking the Lord to explain His heart on this issue to me because, honestly, I never want to be right more than I want to God's. I am willing to concede if He stands on the other side of an issue. Humility is not fun, but it is my friend.

So my thoughts...which I believe have been refined by God.

Sin is bigger than we understand. In the garden, when God created everything and called it good, it was.
And then we sinned. We call chapter 3 in Genesis the Fall...which is not from Scripture but, technically, the term refers to falling from the goodness God created us and the earth with. Something broke between God and His creation when we sinned. After the Fall, apart from Christ there is no good in us. That is true of the earth as well. We see in Genesis 3:17 the earth being cursed because of our sin. The beautiful thing about brokenness is and always will be Christ. He restores brokenness. In Colossians 1, we are told Jesus reconciles all things unto Himself, which means He restores our goodness and the perfection of the garden. Praise God, for us that happens when we come into relationship with Him and accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Unfortunately for the earth, until there is no more sin, it will remain cursed. The good news is there will come a time when righteousness will reign. God will create a new heavens and a new earth. 2 Peter 3:13 says  But based on His promise, we wait for the new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness will dwell. Jesus will reconcile the earth to Himself by making a new creation just like He does with us when we become Christ's. The truth is...we can't save the earth anymore than we can save ourselves.

Please recycle. It's just nice. Conserving and preserving are good things to do...but remember, as with most things, God has this one under control. So no worries.

trials of many kinds...

In May, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

The benefit of hindsight tells me that I have been dealing with symptoms for as many as three years or more...not understanding that seemingly unrelated annoyances, like hip pain or anxiety, were all pointing in the same direction. In January, Troy and I decided it was time to figure out what was going on...my symptoms were increasing in severity and I kept telling Troy I think there is something wrong with me. Those four months were spent in doctor's offices, sometimes having as many as four appointments in a week. They were also spent in uncertainty. It was a beautiful opportunity to exercise my faith...to consider a new kind of trial joy.

Did you know that nearly ten million Americans have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia? Chances are I am not the only one you know suffering from what is described in Medical News Today as a severely debilitating affliction characterized by widespread deep tissue pain, tenderness in the hands and feet, fatigue, sleep disorders and cognitive decline.

It has been an interesting challenge to learn how to live with an illness that affects nearly every part of my life and even more challenging to explain it.

I get tired now doing the smallest of tasks. Sometimes getting ready for my day so exhausts me that I need a nap. Earlier this week, talking on the phone for no more than 5 minutes drained all the energy from my body. I get frustrated at times when standing and singing in worship require more energy than I have.

Pain is a constant companion. I seem to rotate through seasons with which body part will hurt. Currently, my arms and hands seem to be most affected.

Most troubling is the cognitive difficulties that I experience. Anxiety was one of my earliest symptoms increasing in severity as time went on. I often have problems thinking clearly especially the earlier in the morning or later in the evening it becomes. I sometimes get words jumbled or misspeak...even stutter. Conversations are difficult because I can forget what we are discussing in the middle of a sentence...or not be able to follow the flow a conversation takes. Unfortunately, this makes me even more introverted than I already am...which is is almost hard to imagine.

God has chosen to make Himself completely known on my journey thus far, and I am so grateful.

God, in His sweet sovereignty, moved me into the perfect job at just the right moment. It is part time...which is certainly all I could handle. My coworkers are absolutely wonderful. My tasks are challenging and fun. My job is such a joy.

Jesus prepared Troy's heart. My husband has filled every gap that my limitations create in our home with a servant's heart and loving attitude. He is so supportive and kind. His tenderness is clearly God given and his willingness to serve me in my illness blesses me daily.

God is teaching my children about His purposes and plans for our lives and how they aren't always what we might choose, but they are always good.

Jesus is showing me His faithfulness and teaching me how precious and necessary it is to depend on Him. There have been nights when I have driven to Bible study in tears because I cannot rub two coherent thoughts together begging Him to lead through me. He always does. He shows me that His grace really is sufficient and He has provided every bit of mercy I will need...His thoughts are better than mine any day.

Jesus meets me in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep but know my body needs to rest. We spend precious moments together discussing the day to come, loved ones and how good He is to me. There are some nights when sleep robs me of this intimate time, but I praise Him for that much needed relief as well.

God brought a crazy dog into our family to provide distraction and companionship. Lily doesn't care if I stutter or forget what I was saying as long as I rub her belly!

God chose an exciting time in medical research about fibromyalgia for me to be diagnosed. Just last month, researchers were finally able to determine the biological cause of the disease which will lead to medicines that actually treat fibromyalgia and not just the symptoms. Hopefully, this research is also the beginning of finding a cure!

Jesus is teaching me to rest and focusing His call to ministry for me. He is making it clear where He wants me to serve and providing for any gaps. In rest, He is teaching me to seek Him. Our time together has been more rich and abundant than I can ever remember.

I thank Him for the good days and praise Him on the bad days. I am asking Him to give me wisdom in how I spend the energy and feel good that I have each day. I have learned that there is a balancing act I must participate in to have more good days. On those days when I feel energized and like I can take on the world, I must restrain my enthusiasm and pace myself, resting often or I will have more bad days. On those days when I feel weighed down and getting out of bed is a struggle, I must push myself and maintain some activity level or I will have more bad days. I have learned to seize the moment, laugh at myself, live with less and seek Him first.

Debilitating illness.

That is not how I saw the rest of my life...but in the last two months, God has been showing up and showing off big and I can take a lifetime of that.

what I learned about God from the election

You may have heard that there was an election last night...maybe. Pretty big night for our country.

I am not big on political statements...I'm not trying to make one here, but I learned a lot about God last night.

Scripture is clear that God is SOVEREIGN even in our election process.

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;

    wisdom and power are his.

He changes times and seasons;

    he sets up kings and deposes them.

He gives wisdom to the wise

    and knowledge to the discerning. 

Daniel 2:20-21

His dominion is an eternal dominion;

    his kingdom endures from generation to generation.

All the peoples of the earth

are regarded as nothing.

He does as he pleases

    with the powers of heaven

    and the peoples of the earth.

No one can hold back his hand

    or say to him: “What have you done?” 

Daniel 4:34-35

I trust that what the Lord wants is what happened and I trust Him...but I have been considering why...mostly because I am fascinated with the ways of Jesus. I want to understand them and live in them.

I will be upfront and tell you that I voted for Romney. I believe that in the absence of a Godly choice, a moral choice is the next best one to make. So prayerful consideration led to me voting for Mitt Romney based on issues like sanctity of life and marriage. I know some of you disagree with me. The beauty of our country and our God is we are able to choose and be heard. I believe that I was obedient in how I voted and still believe that I made the right choice so I am searching for God's purpose. Ephesians 1:11 tells us that the Lord "works all things according to the counsel of His will." So what is His will?

Without claiming to know the mind of God and certain my finite mind does not fully understand, I absolutely believe that God was protecting His Name and reputation. 

Romney serves a false god that he calls by the same name as our God. Zechariah 5:4 says this: The Lord Almighty declares, ‘I will send it {a curse} out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of him who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in his house and destroy it, both its timbers and its stones.’ Sobering thought for someone who voted for a man who might have led our country morally but falsely uses the name of the Lord every time he speaks about his god.

God did not allow His name to be tarnished on such a huge platform for years before a country...even world, that already has trouble recognizing His beauty and goodness. The name of the Lord is precious and holy...to be revered and glorified. His desire is clear. The nations will fear the name of the Lord, all the kings of the earth will revere your glory. (Psalm 102:15) &  My name will be great among the nations, from the rising to the setting of the sun. In every place incense and pure offerings will be brought to my name, because my name will be great among the nations,” says the Lord Almighty. (Malachi 1:11). How wise of Him to protect His name! His Name is our hope, our joy, our strong tower, our blessing, our banner, our inheritance.

Last night, I learned that more important to the Lord than moral decisions I make in His Name is the Name I make them in. May the Name of the Lord be as sacred to me as it is to Him.

Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your truth, we wait eagerly for You, for Your name and renown are the desire of our souls. 

Isaiah 26:8

something I'm never going to be...

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the expectations of other people...it is hard to be who you are if people want or expect you to be someone different.

God fashioned me with very much the same pattern as my dad which I find beautiful and unique because I love my dad. I hope that I continue to grow in wisdom, integrity...and quietness like my dad. The quietness is the part that throws people off. It is not what people want from me.

I don't know if it is because I am a woman or pastor's wife, but people expect an outgoing chatterbox. That is really hard for me because it will never be who I am. I am not the type of person to approach people and strike up a conversation about things I find unimportant. Often this is misinterpreted as being disinterested in people...which is not true. I am far more interested in who people are than what they do or how their day is going. I never mind truly talking with people, but I'm not really interested in chatting. I would rather sit in silence with someone than fill space with words. (I saw this tweet today that sort of sums up how I feel about small talk: Don't waste time on things that don't matter with people that do matter.)

This quietness has never been beneficial in how people form opinions of me. While I understand it, the opinions people form lead to me feeling the need to apologize for the beautiful, unique way that God made me. While it hurts my feelings, the benefit is I have searched the heart of God to really understand and see myself through His Creator eyes. I want to glorify Him not distract others from Him.

There are some things about our personalities that the Lord wants to correct. Parts of ourselves that come with the sinful nature we were born with that do not bring Him glory...like my tendency toward sarcasm. (He and I are struggling through refining the words I do say!) Sanctification is a painful process that I am wholly committed to before the Lord.

Not long ago, with brokenness in my heart and relationships, I began to ask if quietness is one of those things that He wants to change into the likeness of His Son? He answered me in His Word.

Proverbs 10:19 - When there are many words, sin is unavoidable

Proverbs 17:27 - The intelligent person restrains his words 

Ecclesiastes 5:7 - For many dreams bring futility, so do many words. Therefore, fear God.

Ecclesiastes 6:11 - For when there are many words, they increase futility. What is the advantage for  man? 

1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes. Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes.

I believe that He finds quietness wise and valuable. He thinks quietness is beautiful...so I do, too. I will continue to grow in quietness...and continue to be misunderstood. 

People are never all that you see...expectations lead to disappointment. So I am learning to let people be who they are...and seeking to see the beauty and uniqueness that each person was created with....you know, treating people the way I want to be treated.

Five Things!

1) It has been a little while since I blogged, huh? I write blogs in my head all the time (...a lot while driving actually). Literally, plan them out and phrase my thoughts, ideas and feelings into blogs but never sit down and actually write them...and if I have the time and energy to write them, I forget what I wanted to say. Sometimes, I surprise myself with how often I think in terms of social media...my thoughts often come in 140 characters.
Some of the blogs I didn't write were called "Why Did She Wear That?" "Empty Rooms" "Sometimes You Should Keep Your Mouth Shut" "Lucky Intern" "Sand" "Jealousy of Things God is Blessing" "Really, the Church?" and last but not least, "Put Some Pants On."

2) Seasons of struggle are very isolating. I love that I have a group of women to study the Word with who are willing to love me and offer grace in the middle of struggle whether I share part or all of what I am going through. I love even more that they are willing to share their struggles as well. Confession brings healing (James 5:16)

3) Speaking of James, I think I want to study it at least once a year in some form or another.

4) The study of Nehemiah was absolutely amazing. I will admit to not knowing much about Nehemiah beyond it being a good book to preach through during a building campaign or while training leaders before this study. But what I found was the practical application of the book of James. The study was designed to encourage us to seek out what God is asking us to do (like Nehemiah did). We talk a lot in Bible studies about our purpose in Christ or our destiny...acknowledging that we have one or preparing ourselves for whatever it is, but this study set us on a pursuit of what He is asking of us. As much as I loved it, until the very last week I was pretty much lost. I had no idea what He wanted from me...what is He asking of me? I was frustrated until prayer and study led me to realize that I am doing what He is asking of me right now. He has called me to serve the church...and I am. It was so freeing.

5) Twitter is FANTASTIC. I read somewhere that Facebook is the people you actually know and Twitter is the people you wish you knew =o) I love that because it is so true. I enjoy keeping up with my friends and family on facebook, but I LOVE the opportunity to be encouraged by and exposed to the thoughts of people who are further along on the same path I am traveling. I tend to follow people in ministry and am constantly encouraged by their faith, their leadership thoughts, their struggles. It feels a little like the social media take on iron sharpening iron.

I really hope you're having a fantastic week.


PS - There is at least one blog coming called for Your splendor

Farewell to James

(this post originally appears in Seconds, my fabulous church's blog...but since I wrote it, I felt free to repost it!)

The ladies of the Monday night study spent our last night in James this week...at least together. Here are a few things we've learned...
James wrote his epistle from a different vantage point than any other New Testament writer. We find in the gospels that during the life and ministry of Jesus, James was not a follower...literally or spiritually. He was not present for much of the teaching of Jesus and what he did hear, he didn't believe. But then there was the moment, after the resurrection that Jesus appeared to James. One of a precious few who had an intimate encounter with Jesus after the cross, James was radically changed into the leader of the church in Jerusalem..."the first among equals." He grew up with God, but did not recognize how magnificent a privilege. He knew our Savior. He was deeply loved by our Lord. They were family. His writing is an opportunity to reflect on perfect faith that he witnessed but only understood in hindsight. What an interesting perspective!
Diving in to the text was a challenge. James is very pointed and without excuses. His message is two-fold. Pursue holiness and serve others. I think the main threads of the book are summed up in James 1:27 when he says Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. Tall order, huh? James is very much about doing what the Word says. Melissa Fitzpatrick (who wrote some of the study) says James would assert that "you have not adequately read Scripture unless you've done it."
James challenges us to consider trials joy, tame our tongue, practice patience, listen, to speak truth, submit, humble ourselves and remember if you know you should do something but don't, you are sinning. He encourages us to forsake excess for giving to those in need...to be aware of the needs around us and meet them when we can. He tells us to pray. Often. For each other. For ourselves. In sickness. In happiness. In faith.
For me, chapter 4 has taken deep root. James says in 4:4-6 Adulters, do you not know that friendship with the world means hostility toward God? So whoever decides to be the world's friend makes himself God's enemy. Or do you think Scripture means nothing when it says "The spirit that God caused to live within us has an envious yearning?" But he gives greater grace. That passage has stunned me and convicted me. Where do I look like the world? Can you ever tell a difference? When I do look like the world, or sin, it is like saying that I don't think God meant it when He said in Scripture to keep a tight rein on your tongue or be slow to anger and abounding in love or flee from sexual immorality or do not merely listen to the Word but do what it says or ______________. Thinking that I have ever said to the Lord that His Word means nothing broke my heart and challenged me to consider sin saying just that. It is much harder to fulfill my fleshly desire when I consider it telling my sweet Jesus His Words are nothing.
James digs into the nooks and crannies of our lives and demands change. I am praying that my girls and I let the Word of James make deep roots in our hearts so that we may be women of outrageous faith who have deeds to back that faith up!

New Thing

I like to blog but sometimes I feel like I have to have something well written, deep and thoughtful before I can throw my thoughts out there...which leads to blogs never getting written. Hence, my new thing called Five Things.

2012...Resolutions...Goals...Aims...Wants

I hate setting myself up for rebellion. Making resolutions kind of does that for me. I don't believe that rules are made to be broken, but if I can find small ways to break rules, it feeds the rebel in me. So resolutions are quickly broken, not because I can no longer follow through or no longer care, but because it is a small rebellion that really harms no one.
But I do have areas that I want to move toward change in my life in 2012. I feel like sharing those changes even in small ways like in a blog or to my Bible study group holds me accountable. So here is my list:

1) Discipline - I have always been somewhat of a free-spirit. I don't keep a calendar or planner. I am rarely on time, and I often don't think to do basic things. My husband says I live in my own little world (which used to offend me, but now I embrace as part of the unique way God made me). Discipline is hardly a character trait that I naturally possess but having studied discipline a little in one of our Bible studies last year, I realized it is a character trait of God. Jesus is my model in this life. I am chasing after Christ-likeness, so I want to be disciplined. There are several areas in my life I need to strive to be disciplined in. I have a list that began with food and exercise and is moving on to deeper, more difficult areas...specifically prayer and spending.

2) Missional - God has touched my heart and awakened a real awareness and outrage over slavery. I am committed to learning, listening and following the Lord's guidance on how to be intentionally missional in this area. The first thing He is asking me to do is make sure that my consumer voice is heard through the way I purchase. I am having to think hard and have new priorities...I am having to be disciplined in how and where I spend money. We will see where He leads next. I pray I am willing to follow.

3) Prayer - I need a season of prayer. I have so many people who are very dear to me with pressing concerns...which is often true but feels different this time. I feel a call to intercession. Now intercession is not one of my spiritual gifts...it's not even in my top 5 and prayer is sort of a constant state for me and God. We are always in the middle of a conversation. But I feel called to a season of intentional, set aside, extended time of prayer. I am taking the desire to be like Christ in discipline and applying it to this area immediately.

4) This is vastly different from my other goals, but I wanna be a hugger! I actually came to the realization that I wanted to become a hugger sometime in November or December. I am not naturally a hugger, but when I think about the people that I often hug, I recognize a closeness to them I don't feel for everyone. Can a non-hugger become a hugger? Is there a class I can take? What are the rules of hugging? I am most concerned about that awkward time where you try to decide if the other person is receptive to hugging and, by the time you figure out they are, the moment is lost and then you just look stalker weird trying to hug them. Pressure. This is an area I know you can help me with...first, if we have known each other for a long time and I have never hugged you before, please give me grace for the first few times. Second, if I forget to hug you, call me on it. Third, help me out on the hugging rules...do you hug when you see someone and when you leave them or just once during the time spent together...what if you see them 4 times in one day? Is there a daily hugging limit? How well do you have to know a person to hug them? Hugging strangers only if you feel a potential for relationship? What about people you really don't care for? What if someone is dirty? ACK! So many things to consider!

So, that's it! The things that I want to focus on in 2012...or at least this part of 2012 because I definitely want to leave room for God to do an amazing work in another area of my life...there are so many areas that need Him!

One of those days...

It's turning out to be one of those days...

when my spirit is gunked up
when there was too much truth
when relationship is messy
when feelings are hurt
when living in my own little world doesn't leave room for anyone else
when I do things that don't feel wrong but seem to be
when you can't please anyone
when being sorry gets ignored

when I am reminded I have so far to go.

Passion: Life Changing

At Passion 2011, God changed my life. He rearranged my thinking about where I live my life. I don't mean Tampa so much as where I spent my time...where I was dwelling. He seered Psalm 84:10 so deeply into my spirit that I could not escape it until I began living it. I was in a place that did not allow me to live to the glory of God. I began to realize the God has called me to the church (a great realization that I would have done well to clue in on earlier...maybe when I married a minister). I think that I felt like because I was not called to vocational ministry that I could not have been called to the church. Jesus opened my eyes and heart to see that supporting those in vocational ministry is ministry. There is something to be said for paving the way and aiding people that are mouths on this body of Christ. That is what we did as volunteers at Passion. We held the door that let those who came enter into the presence of God. Throughout 2011, I began to see the church as a place to empty myself and realize that there is great need in the church...it is a mission field. When you break down the Great Commission into parts, it asks 4 things of the body of Christ. Understanding that I cannot excuse myself from any part but also realizing that I am only part of a whole body, I am believing more and more that I am called to the fourth task given. Teaching Jesus' commands. My heart is with the church. I rearranged my life to reflect all of this and believe that I am exactly where Christ wants me.

So going into Passion 2012, I had high expectations. I don't know what exactly I expected, but I knew I would be met there by Jesus. Once again, the way that I think has been radically altered. I've realized that there is so much about this world that I am ignorant to that God sees and hates. I cannot remain ignorant and indifferent while ones precious to our Lord are abused, mistreated and enslaved. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. The work of the cross was not just for me...for those in my church...for those that I know. Christ came to set all captives free. How much more for those who are captives both spiritually and physically. 27 millions slaves today. That is unimaginable and horrifying. I am still working out exactly what direction God wants me to go with this heart broken and heavy for those enslaved. For now, I am educating myself and praying for them and the ministries that are heroically laboring for freedom all over the world.

My heart loves the church but yearns to be intentionally missional in the area of human trafficking. I am thankful for a Savior that is also a Sanctifier. I am a work in progress. I remember telling Troy before Passion this year"It can't change your life every year, otherwise you are just a flake." I was wrong. There is still so much work to do on me. God can change my life every year...every day. Please do, Sanctifier.

Our Greatest Struggle

I am becoming more and more convinced that the greatest challenge to a person who chooses to live life in relationship with the Creator and Sustainer of the universe is to pursue that relationship through difficult circumstances. Having faith during difficult times is one thing...a good thing, but being in an active, growing relationship with the only One who can truly change your circumstances is completely different.
It is not in our nature. If someone is repeatedly making our lives difficult, our relationship with that person suffers. Whether the relationship is with your spouse, your child, your parent, a coworker or friend, when one party has the ability to change negative circumstances and does not, that relationship will suffer. It may not end, but interactions will be strained; discussions will be pain filled...maybe, less frequent.
A proper view of God acknowledges that He knows all things, allows all things and can change all things. He is sovereign. He has the first word and the last word in every situation. One who understands God also knows how deeply He loves us. We cannot imagine, explain or escape the love of our Savior. It is without measure.
Knowing both of those foundational truths anchors my faith. Difficult circumstances in our lives seem to run a crash course straight into our belief of those two truths. If God can change my circumstances and loves me deeply, why doesn't He end my pain? From that point, we choose whether or not to have faith in His sovereignty, goodness and love. At some stage during years of maturing our faith, we come to a place when the decision to have faith or not becomes moot. We believe. We trust. There is no question or doubt that He is Faithful and True.
Moving forward in relationship at this point is one of our greatest struggles as believers. We know Jesus. We trust Jesus. We are in an intimate relationship with Him. But how do we pursue the intimacy of that relationship in the midst of painful circumstances...with a list of earnest prayer requests so extensive we don't know where to start? ...when every conversations seems to become tear-filled pleas that have gone without tangible response for what seems like too long to bear? ...when we begin to read Scripture and think "...that isn't true for me"? How do we maintain a good relationship and even pursue Jesus when we are angry at Him?
I have no answer. But I think that James, the brother of Jesus,who knew heartbreak well (most poignantly, the loss of his father at a young age), would say to us:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I don't think that James is trying to explain why we face trying times or why God answers on His own timetable, but more so, how we should respond to such situations. One more thing that a mature believer understands without hesitation is that our faith is far from complete. No matter how far we have come, we have so far to go. James encourages us to take joy in knowing that Jesus is still at work in us longing for us to look more like Him. He tell us to ask for wisdom as we struggle and not doubt that He will answer our pleas. James gives us the gift of knowing that God will grant us the wisdom for which we ask and that we can stand firm knowing His wisdom is far better than ours. James reminds us that pursuing a relationship with Jesus is worth it because not only will the situation improve so will we in the process.
Hard to live, huh? So true of so much in Scripture. But I've found that every time I choose faith and pursue intimacy with Jesus it is so worth it...every time.

2 Things

(nothing earth shattering or life changing)
1. You may already know this one but according to experts, the color of 2012 is Tangerine Tango...which is just a fancy way of saying orange. I have no idea who the experts are or why they chose tangerine, but it is a flattering shade of orange. It is sort of a warm, reddish coral color that looks good on most skin tones. So if you want to impress your friends, pull out something orange...sorry, tangerine and tell them it is THE color this year...like officially. Gators fans or lucky ladies who picked up that Premier coral necklace that has been retired are set. If you don't already own something but want to show-off your fashion IQ, think accessories not closet staples in tangerine. A purse or pair of shoes...maybe, a scarf or piece of jewelry should do the trick. You could even just get a pedicure and choose the new IT hue!

2. Tight is not cute. This should go without saying but, sadly, so many seem to think the tighter the better. Well-fitted is NOT tight. Well fitted means it skims your body not clings onto your curves. Once you hit a certain age, only three people should ever know the exact shape of your body: you, your husband and your doctor. I know way too much about some of you.
Here are a few visual examples. Please note I picked plus size models for the dos in all but one picture. The only exception is pregnant actress January Jones, who wears a T so perfectly fitted that she looks cute pregnant not miserable pregnant.

So bad. On the left, both her shirt and her pants are WAY too little and it is making her look bigger. Our goal is not to make ourselves look heavier, is it? And on the right, it's like a topagraphical map of her body. Please just don't!

So GOOD! These looks are flattering and stylish...which is what we all want, right?

Our Annual (...kinda) Family Letter

Greetings from the Borst Family in Tampa Florida!
We hope this letter finds you in the new year of 2012 doing better than 2011. Our 2011 was quite full as we know most of yours probably was as well. Take heart, the Mayans said the world would end this year… so don’t worry about 2013. Live it up this year in 2012!
Our lives in 2011 revolved around family, church, and school. We took trips to Longmont, Colorado to see Troy’s grandmother and family, Atlanta to see Kelly’s parents, and Houston to see Troy’s parents. It was a full year of trips to see family. The kids each spent a week at Lake Aurora Christian Camp in Lake Wales, Florida and loved it. They all started a new school in the fall… a charter school in downtown Tampa which has turned out to be a complete blessing for all three kids and a great step as they will open middle school grades next year. New Beginnings Christian Church always keeps us busy and is the hub of friends and activities.

You all of course want to know about the kids first. Abigail is 10 and doing great in 5th grade. Abby concluded her interest in Girl Scouts so you all will need to find a new source for cookies this year. She just won the Science Fair for the second year in a row for her grade and will be heading to the countywide Science Fair in February. Her project this year was a blind taste test of different apple varieties. She is  looking to be “Superior” two years in a row! She is an avid reader and will be making great use of the Kindle she received for Christmas. She is also looking forward to trying cheerleading with UpWard Sports in 2012.
Nathanael is 9 and in the 4th grade. He loves Super Heroes, building things, and enjoys sports whenever he can play. He recently wrote a descriptive piece about being a Paleontologist when he grows up… after being Iron Man. We’ll have to see how things work out. The rest of us think he will be an architect. Nate is looking forward to getting back on a regular team in 2012 as he will try out basketball with UpWard Sports. Dad, Nate, and Ian have been shooting a little hoop in front of the house to prepare. Nate is beginning to enjoy reading more and more and just finished a book about the sinking of the Titanic.

Ian is 8 and in the 2nd grade. He is our video game guru and beats everyone else in the house at most video games. His dad can still school him every so often which comes as quite a surprise to him. Ian is the most outgoing and friendly child and is always surrounded by a cloud of friends no matter where he is. Ian also loves to read and is into the “Secret of Droon” series as well as the “Magic Treehouse” books. His #1 request for Christmas was a Gamestop gift card followed by a Barnes & Noble gift card. He will use them both soon after Christmas. Ian will also try out basketball like Nate and thinks he will do pretty good on the team.

Kelly is thoroughly enjoying her new job with Bayshore Baptist church in South Tampa. It was a great move for her personally and spiritually which allows her to pick up the kids from school and have a better schedule. It is certainly less stressful and brings more meaning to her work day. She was blessed with this job after praying over Psalm 84:10, “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” She still enjoys leading women’s Bible studies at the church and even branched out for a few non-Beth Moore studies. Shocking! In 2012, she will return to her Beth Moore roots which will be great for all involved. One of the highlights for Kelly was organizing a successful women’s conference at church called ‘Fresh Start’ which enabled women to enter the workforce with confidence (and a new outfit) with our youth minister's wife.

Troy is busy but balanced. He is the Associate Minister at the church and will begin to transition to the Senior Minister role within a few years. He is on the downward slide of his PhD with Regent University in Virginia Beach, Virginia and also began to teach Public Speaking for Florida Christian College in Orlando this year. Getting this instructor position marks the first in a long line of bucket list items he checked off this year. He also fought in the US Open Karate tournament and lost, but plans to fight again several times in 2012. He also self-published five books for the Amazon Kindle, with a few more in the works (another bucket list item… sort of). Troy and Kelly also lost over 80 pounds between them and are sporting slimmer figures with more hard work and pounds lost to come in 2012. In 2012, he also plans to flesh out two fictional works which have been brewing in his mind.
2012 for us holds great promise. Organized sports, a Bahamas Missions trip, concluded coursework for a PhD, weight loss, camps, trips, the NACC in Orlando, and things not yet dreamed of are on our agenda. All of it must be taken on faith… right? James 4:13-15 says, “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.’ So, in view of that, if the Lord wills it, we will complete our plans, but in all things we will let Him direct our ways. We wonder what He has in store for us. For you? If the Lord wills it, we hope to do all we have planned and more.

May your 2012 be full of promise! And, by the way, just ignore the Mayans.


(written by Troy)

FAB: New Favorite Blogs

I hope you all are reading the fabulous blogs by our NBCC family like Seconds and Esther's Blessing.  I also want to share with you all some blogs that have recently become my favorites!! I think you will find one to love!

I love The Dating Divas! The dating divas are married women who are committed to keeping the romance in their marriages by dating their husbands. Eleven women share a different date idea each week and fun stuff in between. It's fun and encourages me to think about ways to focus on my marriage.

The Girl Who Ate Everything has some great recipes! I found her on Pinterest (obsessed with that, yet? Let me know if you need an invite).

Plain Chicken is another recipe site that I found on Pinterest.  The recipes are easy to follow and have been delicious!!

I get my fashion fix at Polyvore. It is full of outfit ideas.  Another Pinterest find, most of the fashion ideas that are repinned come from Polyvore!

For the guys...check out "husbands", a user's guide. I know there is a grammatical error in the title, and it should be a blog for wives to understand husbands.  Honestly, that almost disqualified the blog from my favorites list. But the content is too good not to share. This blog has Biblical encouragment for husbands. I was really impressed with the writer's honesty and the topics he tackles. Definitely worth the time, guys!

Check them out and let me know what you think!!!